I love Brené Brown. If you’ve read any of her books, she explores a struggle that so many of us as humans deal with day in and day out – vulnerability. How can we find true connection with others, be our most authentic selves and follow our own path, and live with integrity in a world that is….just plain scary! It’s a big risk, to speak up against inequity, or to go on a date, or move to a new job, and to ignore and overcome the negative stories we tell ourselves about how we’re not good enough, or worthy enough, or that we’ll inevitably fail. With titles like “Daring Greatly” and “Braving the Wilderness,” Brené summons imagery of dense forest to trek through and sharp cliffs off which you must leap. And this is just how big the smallest of obstacles in life can feel, like you’re heading out into unchartered territory, simply trying to survive. You’re so scared that you don’t always have the mental capacity to bring force your toughest or most confident self, but you later realize that just by making your way through, step by step, you’ve already been strong, and looking back you realize confidently, “Hey, I did it” and that you’re all the better for the struggle.

Right now, I often feel like I’m in the wilderness. Lost a bit, maybe, but trying to follow my own path, instead of forcing myself to blindly follow the one hollowed out by those who went before. I’m 31, soon to be 32. Most of my friends are already married if not in long term relationships headed towards tying the knot. They’ve bought houses, had kids, and their Instagram is full of smiling social events. As time goes on, the ground constantly shifts underneath – my parents and grandparents get older, my sister gets engaged, friendships change, or end, and it’s hard to find anything that feels fully secure. It’s easy to tell myself that my life isn’t good enough – I’m still single and childless, living in an apartment, where most weeks if I’ve got my shit together I remember to water my plants and I make it to the gym a few days between working four jobs. It would be all too easy for me to say: I’m tired, I’m done with trying, I’m just going to stay home and avoid the world. But these words from Brené that I have written down keep me going:

“Vulnerability is hard, and it’s scary, and it feels dangerous, but it’s not as hard, scary, or dangerous as getting to the end of our lives and having to ask ourselves, ‘What if I would have shown up?'”

So whenever I have a really tough day at work, or I feel dead tired and would rather stay home than go out with friends, or a guy tells me he’s just not that into me, and all of these things makes me just want to go into my introvert shell and hide my head in the sand…I read this, and decide to show up for my own life. I list things I’m grateful for, I call my family and tell them how much I love them, and I put on music that makes me want to dance around my apartment. I write down goals and read self-help books and write poems and laugh out loud by myself at tv shows and draft another blog post, and plan another trip. I keep showing up, even though some days it feels incredibly hard, and scary, and yes, even dangerous.

As I pack my suitcase for my next trip, I realize that what I love about travel is that it’s something I do for no one else but myself. For myself, by myself, with myself. And every time I fly off I find some new strength inside myself that I didn’t know was there before, because it was hiding underneath fear. New situations and new places make me nervous and sweaty, each trip a mixture of anticipation and excitement. It gives me this high, this feeling that there’s no reason why I can’t be my best, bravest self and live my own, authentic life, no matter if I’m behind the timeline, because fuck the timeline and expectations and pressures and negative messages I put on myself too often. Travel has been a jolt of energy into my life, that reminds me to keep showing up for my own life, never just coasting through. It’s a never ending journey of self discovery and self acceptance. Put simply, it reminds me to keep pushing myself, step by step, through the wilderness.