So many travel quotes feature advice about traveling “the road untaken,” and while Frost has always been one of my favorite poets, I don’t think staying home with a broken leg for a month is what most people envision when they read those words. Yet, home is where I found myself this February, instead of in the Bahamas with my mom like I had planned. Upstate NY winter ice:1. Jill, 0. The result: a fractured fibula, thankfully not requiring surgery, but it put me out of action for four fateful weeks, one of which was supposed to be my winter vacation. Lesson one was immediate…I will never turn down trip insurance again!
Other life lessons did not come so easily. For one, I am not good at asking for help. Stubborn by nature, I take pride in my independence and I don’t like the feeling of being indebted to anyone. Add in some type-A on top of that, and you get me not allowing anyone to do much for me because I would rather do it myself, the particular way I want it done. Well, that option went out the window really fast. In wet, cold, slippery winter weather, I was pretty much house-bound, not able to even get around my apartment very well on my own. My mom, dad, sister, and friends of course were willing to go above and beyond – the problem was me, grudgingly accepting help with resentment and frustration at not being able to do it all myself. My ungratefulness came from a hatred of feeling vulnerable and helpless, but there was no going back. I needed to suck it up and let others step in. I will inevitably always struggle with this as the control freak that I am, but at least breaking my leg let me realize that the world doesn’t fall apart when I let go of the reins and admit I don’t have everything under control. In fact, I need to remind myself that it can be brave to have the courage to ask for help when you need it, even if it doesn’t feel that way. That’s what the people you love are there for, mutual support for each other. So if I am willing to drop everything to help a loved one, I need to also make peace with accepting help from my loved one as well, because no one is strong enough to go it alone in life, and it’s ok to take off your armor sometimes and let others see you as you are, even when you’re not at your best.
Now, you would think that being forced into a four week vacation from life sounds ideal, right? Who doesn’t want to skip work and watch Netflix instead, ditching meetings and all responsibilities? For me, a confessed workaholic, at first it was torture. The pain of the break the first couple of weeks had me sleeping a lot and I knew that physically and mentally I wasn’t really capable of keeping my normally hectic, crazy calendar- but I still felt so disconnected from everything, isolated from my job and all the other activities that fill my schedule. And then, the skies cleared and I started to feel….relaxed? Dare I say…refreshed and rejuvenated? What I didn’t realize was that my go-go-go life had trodden me into such a perma-state of exhaustion and self-ignorance and unawareness, that I didn’t even know how tired I had been until I finally started getting a full night of sleep each day. I didn’t realize how enjoyable it was to just relax at home and take time away from the hustle of running from one appointment or activity to the next, until I was forced into pressing pause.
The trip I wasn’t able to take taught me that even when I’m not going anywhere, and I’m just living my day to day life at home, I need to make sure that I take care of myself and not work myself into the ground. It’s important to have fun and relax, go slow, and that I shouldn’t be constantly measuring my life’s success by my productivity.
Even with something as simple as a broken bone, it has been a long road to recovery. As I write this, it’s been five months since I fell and I still don’t fully feel one hundred percent back to the strength and stamina level I had before. Some days are fine and others are really achy and sore when I’m extra active. It’s a physical reminder for me to keep listening to my body and actually take care of myself. After all, if I don’t, who else will?
Jill Came Tumbling After 