February 2018. Iceland…wild, majestic, beautiful and raw. A place that made me feel free. Views of seemingly endless earth in its purest forms. An island of fire and ice. Lava rock juxtaposed with clear blue water, spouting geysers and healing sulfuric waters, black sand beaches shrouded in mist under looming volcanoes. Crashing cold Atlantic waves, roaring waterfalls and sweeping snowstorms. Could there be any place better to find yourself? To breathe in clean air and contemplate your existence? The answer is no, there isn’t. And it was here that I travelled to on my first solo trip. I had no idea how freeing it would be, and how it would forever change my perspective on life.
I have always craved confidence. Doesn’t everyone, really? The kind that little kids have, brazenly just…being. Being only themselves and no one else, throwing themselves carelessly and passionately into everything they do. I yearn for this sense of self security. The ability to say, this is who I am, take it or leave it. Yet true to human nature, insecurity and fear come easily to me, while confidence eludes me again and again. It ebbs and flows in and out of my life from day to day, hour to hour, year to year, month to month, passing through phases where sometimes I feel like I can conquer the world, then just as quickly, I feel so anxious that I cancel all plans and hibernate at home, where I feel cocooned and safe, protected from the world’s judgment.
So, it was with this mindset that less than two years ago, after a particularly harsh breakup, that left me reeling and drowning in self doubt, I was feeling pretty low. Confidence? None. Insecurity? All time high. But the funny thing about being alone again is, you actually have the time with yourself to realize – oh, hey, I’m doing all these things that I didn’t think I could ever do by myself. And not only can I do all these things alone, I can also enjoy being my own company. I like myself. I respect myself. And then, I made a leap of faith.
Having always been someone who has dreamed of traveling the world, I decided, for my 30th year, I needed to finally make the jump, and travel solo. I booked a trip, by myself. No friends, no family, just me – going on vacation alone. Something I had never done before. When I first stepped into the airport, I was scared out of my mind. Did I make a mistake? What was I thinking?! There was no safety net in another person being around. I wouldn’t be an hour away from my family if something went wrong. I would truly have to spend an entire week with myself. Did I like myself that much? Or would I be forced to face all the ugly, insecure, self-hating thoughts that often swirled around my mind? Also, logistically, the thought of navigating in a foreign country at all by myself, reared my anxiety’s hateful head. I worried to death every possible worst case scenario.
As I sat on the plane, battling with these nasty inner demons, I made a decision. What kind of life did I want to live? Who did I want to be? If I let myself remain at home, in fear of taking a risk and stepping out alone, it would only kindle any self-loathing I had, and I would never become the person I envisioned myself to be in the future: a brave, independent person who could fulfill my own dreams, with or without someone else by my side. From that moment forward, I would need to force myself to take risks, evolve, and live outside my comfort zone, pushing myself to live the life I want instead of cowering in fear. Only then would I end up being that confident person I aimed to be. Maybe for some people this isn’t quite an epiphany, but for me, it was.
But the moment I took that leap, it was like I had come out of this dark, comforting cave that had felt safe, and warm, but all along had really just been shielding me from the sun’s glorious rays. I threw myself into the joy of exploring each new place we traveled to. I lost myself in the sights, sounds, smells, tastes and touch of each new experience. I introduced myself to the others in my tour group, against my introvert instincts, and much to my surprise, made friends! These travelers were the same type of dreamers as me, and their poet hearts matched mine – I had found my people. I had found the exhilaration of discovery. I had found my courage. Before I even realized it, I had found the confidence I had been longing for. After what felt like a lifetime of self doubt, I now knew that if I could make this journey, this leap, and find such true, pure joy, then there was only more to be found out there, in every country untraveled and every culture unmet.
I had found myself….for what felt like the first time – but certainly, it would not be the last. For after all, it was just the beginning.
Jill Came Tumbling After 